Why I Hate Love Hate RPattz

I have inherent hate for Robert Pattinson and it has pretty much existed since I first saw a picture, during Goblet of Fire filming, of the purported Cedric Diggory. I'm not one of those diehard Potter fans- if I'm going to be petitioning for anything, it's going to be for a Gimpy Roomies' Baby (Come on! Mindi's preggers already! They wouldn't even need a prosthetic belly!)

However, I do tend to get a little miffed by overlooked physical details because my life is all about those little details that clutter up my head and don't leave room for anything else (like, say...study?) If the author is going to go on and on and on about Harry having his mother's green eyes, I think the actor playing Harry should be similarly green-eyed in the films. That Radcliffe twerp is ridiculously overpaid as it is, and someone somewhere can't stab two fuckin' contacts over his orbs?! "Am I reaching for the stars here? No." (as said exactly like Meryl Streep).

Cedric Diggory, from memory, is meant to be good-looking. You know, facially. And I am aware that this is plain and simple personal opinion here but Robert Pattinson's face? Is kind of fug. Actually, a little more than kind of: he's all sorts of fug. And I keep coming across all these random 'news' items about his gross hair and poor hygiene and just general greasy gross fugness and it's really not helping his case. Bottom line: he is not good-looking. Not enough to be Cedric in any case. So what did some of those hardcore Potter manics do? Petition, of course, to be rid of RPattz and more importantly, to secure a certain Henry Cavill for the role instead. Again, personal opinion and biased at that, because Henry is my husband #3 (I can't remember if I divorced him before I married Kate Moennig. I think I'm polygamous, y'all! And completely in need of psych help!), but why not choose a guy who's actually good-looking for the role of a good-looking guy? Am I all alone in my bewilderment here?

It could've been so beautiful, Cedric. My third (ex?) husband could've done you justice.

Needless to say, Mr That Girl didn't get the role. But whatever, right? Cedric dies anyway! RPattz could have his 15 minutes of fame and be done with it and the fug would disappear. Yeah? Yeah?! Not so. Circa mid-2006, I chose to read a novel entitled Twilight based purely on the fact that the author, Stephenie Meyer (she of the whysofail?), selected Henry as the actor she felt could embody the male protagonist, Edward Cullen. Who happens to be a vampire. A vegetarian vampire. A 100something-year-old vegetarian vampire with old-fashioned sensibilities and, most importantly, the face of a god slash angel slash model slash everythingelseMeyerdeemstobeimpossiblybeautiful. That is to say, he is good-looking. As in, she (and that absolute twit of a main character, Bella) won't let you forget his AMAZINGBEAUTYOMIGAH*DIES*

So, time went by and the novel got optioned by film studios and whatnot and eventually, the lead female role (ie. TwitBella) was announced to have been won by a certain Kristen Stewart (who I may or may not have ditched Wife Kate for. I really can't remember. So many weddings, so little time). I love me some Kristen, she of the hott legs and husky voice, but that is a little besides the point. The big, gigantic, motherfuckin' point ("on this motherfuckin' plane!" as said exactly like Samuel L. Jackson, because when else am I going to be able to use that line?) here is that when the role of Edward was finally cast, despite author and fan support for Hubby Cavill, it ultimately went to that fugmo RPattz again. Now, I say once more that I am not like those obsessive freaks who dub themselves Twihards or whatever the fuck their moniker is, but it was a very bitter pill to swallow (and I am really not particularly good at swallowing pills in the first place, so as you can imagine, I was choking). Some who witnessed the moment I found out like to say that I exploded into a screaming fit, of rage blackout proportions (akin to those suffered exactly by Summer Roberts), but you really shouldn't believe everything people say.

"I could be here and now...I should be" (as sung exactly like Nick Drake).

But whatever, right? I mean, Edward is pretty much a controlling, obsessive, stalking, prude of a not!dead! boyfriend. I should be happy that Mr That Girl dodged that bullet, yeah? Yeah? Yeah...except for the part where Henry had also somehow managed to dodge bullets Superman, Batman and James Bond too, so this was yet another "You're not even a has-been. You're a never-was." moment (as said exactly like Coach Reilly). Then, there's the fact that RPattz shot to instant fame and fortune playing the roles of good-looking guys. Is it permanently Opposite Day now? Am I missing something? Is fugly really the new pretty? (Fug Girls, you are my heroes!)

And so lies the basis of my RPattz hatred:

1. he is fug and he keeps playing hott ("What's it doing?...You ruins it!" as said exactly like Andy Serkis)
2. he stole my (ex) husband's roles! ("...filthy little thieves!...They stole it from us!" as said exactly like Andy Serkis again. I flove Andy Serkis)
3. he got to mack on my would-be wife, Kristen, before I did ("My precious!")

However, on the other side of the love-hate spectrum, I have grudgingly found RPattz (while quite possibly perpetually drunk or high or both) to be entertaining. I think Hollywood has yet to find another actor who readily 'fesses up to not washing his hair to the point where built-up residue can be misconstrued as styling product. And then helpfully shakes some dandruff out to demonstrate the state of his not-so-luscious locks. Then talks about watching pornos. And having a Buddha inhabiting his head, giving him answers to the questions of life. Most importantly, he admits that he is not good-looking enough to play Cedric or Edward! I can't completely hate someone who agrees with me, can I?

Then, there's Art. Well, there's Art and Daniel Gale, and while Daniel was just as delightfully eccentric and dorky, we're going to focus on Art. Art fits RPattz to a T and if ever there was going to be a niche for him, it would be these kinds of characters: weird, loner, misfit, possibly functionally-retarded goofs.

Meet Art.

Note the 'tard giving Art's music the thumbs down.

See, RPattz-as-Art and I could get along; we both have an affinity for Canada.

Who doesn't love watching a film about random escalator-riding?

Note the spilt breakfast cereal. Incidentally, in this scene, he tells his mother he's trying to fix whatever is wrong with him.

'Nuff said.

How Art passes the time on the job. Frankly, I prefer Ben Willis' method of stripping female shoppers and drawing them in the nude (as seen exactly in Cashback), but to each his own.

Really? Am I alone in saying that I like films about the average loser's path to semi-self-actualisation, to the point where he can confide and bond with his mirror reflection? It's rather sweet: he's telling his image not to worry and that everyone will love them, despite the fact that he's a shit musician.

And when all else fails in Art's life, he climbs into bed with his parents...until they kick him out and his mother calls him boring and miserable and he runs outside and starts banging his head against objects. Honestly, RPattz should stick to these characters. He's actually good in these moulds and his non-looks are a non-issue. Win-win all 'round! End rant.