That Girl's List of Not-So-Blind-Items, feat. The Bottom of Melbourne's Barrel

1. Reality TV muppet; questionable cooking ability; spawn of a hobbit and Peter Pettigrew; seen schlepping around suburbs and eating a pie.

2. Born to fail and flail in shadows of paternal on-field prowess and comely sports-commentating; can't kick over a jam tin; seen being inordinately interested in continental rolls.

3. Wife of/mother of/mother-in-law of/jewel-theft victim; Attitude! Y'all better recognise, bitch!; BERT LIKES TO WEAR CHANEL TOO, DID YOU KNOW?; seen pushing prams, people's patience, and possibly queues.

4. Little, smarmy man-troll; unidentified source of fame because Australia obviously doesn't have talent; little; seen wearing loud Hawaiian shirts at dinner, acting smarmy, and being little.

5. Whoring fawn of hawks; formerly dread-locked; seen refusing to walk my way (can't imagine why).

6. Small-screen familiar, onstage newb (and possibly noob); nurse-turned-police officer; seen with bitchface that rivalled yours truly.

7. F-lister aka nobody; 5-second reality TV dance fame; part of the greatest musical of my life, seriously; seen buying [OMITTED], asking for [OMITTED], walking around.

8. Nightly news familiar; very brown...Brown; seen disappointing me by being real-life fail.

9. Whoring fawn no. 2 (why so infestation?); PUNCH HIM HARDER NEXT TIME, OKAY PADDY?; seen trying to be recognised for do-gooding.

10. Sister of; ex-Mrs. 'Christian Troy'; would like you to know she loves her vibrator; seen buying Grown products with a very tight face.

Top 10 Things I Miss Right Now

10. Being at the Regent to see Wicked. And to experience its awesome score. The one that gave me swirly feelings in my stomach area when I heard it.

9. ER. Fuckin' ruin my life and end it, why don't you? Stupid executive television network demographic expiry date bullshit.

8. Internet usage allowance.

7. Priceline. I mean, Priceline co-workers. Certain Priceline co-workers. The ones who don't shit me by exisiting, who were cordial from the get-go, who were always pleasant to work with, who totally ruined me for all future co-workers.

6. Uzu. Katsu curry. "Next prease?"

5. Money. TWO monthly concession tickets?! TWO?!? WHAT THE FLIPPITY-FUCK?! Am I on drugs?

4. The tennis. My camera in Nadal's face. IN. HIS. FACE. THISCLOSE. "Touch, okay?"

3. Ray and Neela. Being together. Neela being hott. Ray being...not quite.

2. Nothing to obsess about. I feel...incomplete.

1. Wicked. Because Sydney sucks cock and doesn't deserve to host my beloved baby. And my heart is withering just thinking about how that wretched city is tainting it. BRB SHAKING AND CRYING.