The Summer of Finishing Unfinished Business: Part Books

As you see, I'm resigned to never finishing that damn recap because I can't seem to make myself bothered enough, not even for me, so it must be official: I'm Dance-d out. I don't care so much at the moment because there are obviously more pressing matters at hand, such as the buttload of books I have rotting on my shelf that I'm supposed to be getting through this summer, or else all that money is wasted. Speaking as one soon to be out of employment (I quit! I quit! I actually did it, y'all!), the following list is sure to make me feel a little guilty, a little shameful and quite possibly, a little queasy at the thought of a) all those hours toiling away under the fluorescent and unforgiving lights, and b) how ridiculously simple it is to get me to buy something by saying it's on sale. Behold the numerous titles I have purchased in way too short an amount of time.


The Post-Semester 2 Exams Binge:

• The Almost Moon by Alice Sebold. Something about a daughter and a mother. And the daughter wants love/attention from the mother. So she kills her. Or something like that? Really, all I know is that I liked The Lovely Bones. This one was actually a smart buy. I was dilly-dallying about in A&R, quite intent on getting it along with a handful of others. In the end, I went with just the handful of others. The next day, I saw this at K-mart for practically half the A&R price. Sold! I was overly proud of myself for holding out, conveniently forgetting that shopping around for one title does not cancel the fact that I impulsively bought five others at crazy-arse jacked-up prices. Cracked the Spine? Pristine; pure; never touched.
• The Jane Austen Book Club by Karen Joy Fowler. Um...I don't know? I've never even finished a Jane Austen in my reading life! I think Maggie Grace played the lesbian daughter, Allegra, in the film. And she's pretty! Cracked the Spine? Have read the first chapter. Or maybe two. I don't remember. I hate them all so far because they're so uninteresting. And there's random guy named Grigg. And a smelly dog.
• The Food of Love by Anthony Capella. It had a sticker boasting that it was signed by the author (and there are indeed blue ballpoint scribbles underneath Mr Capella's name inside!) so of course, how could I let that one slide? Anthony Capella might become a really world-renowned author someday! Furthermore, there are recs inside by Jamie Oliver and, wait for it, Hugh Laurie. Seriously. I don't know how many Hugh Laurie's there are in this world, noteworthy enough to have their literary recommendations printed in a novel, but seeing as they'll print Paris Hilton's recs, I'm going to have to assume that it's the awesomy Hugh 'House' Laurie who liked this book. As for the blurb, it pretty much tells you that it's going to be a modern, Italiano spin on Cyrano de Bergerac. With lots and lots of Italian food. Cracked the Spine? Current read. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of food. Makes me hungry. Probably not the best idea to be reading it at bedtime.
• Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood. This was a whim buy. Something about bullying and how it haunts her to this day. I think it's one of those high school English texts? Cracked the Spine? Pristine.
• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon. Over the years, a various number of people have recommended this title to me. My friend Cake promised me that I'd like it. So far, he's a liar. I can't get into it. Granted, I haven't really tried to get into it but I think maybe 'special' people (such as myself) can't really get into the heads of other 'special' people unless they're 'special' in exactly the same way. And I'm not especially autistic...I don't think. I have no empathy or curiousity to find out how or why the dog was forked. Cracked the Spine? First couple of pages. Up until he hits the police officer.
• Queen of Babble; Queen of Babble in the Big City; Queen of Babble gets Hitched by Meg Cabot. Big whim. But they're exactly what I knew they'd be, so I don't know...does that make them a worthy buy somehow? It's not like I bought Proust and got Dan Brown. I bought Meg Cabot and got Meg Cabot. No deception, no false hope, just plain old chick-lit with characters you want to smack. And seeing as there was only three books in the series, I thought I may as well...you know. Cracked the Spine? All finished. So shameful.

The Semester 2 Binge:

• On the Road by Jack Kerouac. It was cheap. And it's some American classic. And, there's this exchange-

MARISSA

Hey, like in On the Road? That's my favourite book.

SETH

(pouts)

Mine too.

Oh...classic OC. I used to enjoy you...Cracked the Spine? The first couple of pages. Something about some guy. And his wife? As observed by another guy? Maybe. I think they're white trash...possibly? Actually, I have no idea what the damn hell this is about.

• Cosmopolis by Don DeLillo. Apparently he's also the author of the acclaimed Underworld, not that I've read it or anything. Just an interesting tidbit. Or not so interesting. Whichever. Anyway, it was cheap...I think? Yeah, it totally was. It was part of some Borders discount store, a couple of doors down from the actual Borders, and I felt the ridiculous need to buy up there because of the fact that they were all on sale. Cracked the Spine? Pristine.
• Gucci Mamas by Cate Kendall; Alice in La La Land by Sophie Lee; Not Meeting Mr Right by Anita Heiss; The Shoe Queen by Anna Davis; Still Life with Husband by Lauren Fox. All part of a chick-lit boxset, that in turn was part of the Borders discount store sale whatever. Never mind the fact that I've no need of these titles, nor was I particularly interested in any of their repetitive plotlines ('Imsingleanddesperateandalsoveryveryverydesirablesowhydontmenwantmeeeeee?'). It was a boxset! In a nifty little box and everything! And cheap! Cheeeeeeeaaaaaappp! Cracked the Spine? Finished Gucci Mamas - stupid, asinine read. Started the other four in some way and I hate all the characters in each and every one of them! Gah, is it so hard to create a likeable female character?! They're all collecting dust somewhere on the shelf, probably doomed never to be opened and read again.

The Post-Semester 1 Exams Binge:

• Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West by Gregory Maguire. OMG. OMFG! Oh-em-gee! I heart Elphaba!!!!1!! That is all. Cracked the Spine? And the cover, by accident. Actually, it's torn a teeny tiny bit. I've been reading it on and off since July. I can't take Elphie's tragic life and illicit heartbreak and eventual demise all at once. I read until I know something bad is going to happen to her (which is pretty much the running theme here) and then I stop. She's gone to visit her sister and father and there's not much left to go, so I know her death is looming. Sob!
• The Writing Class by Jincy Willett. Um, whim buy. Some writing class run by some woman, if memory serves me correctly, in which a whole host of characters (don't you love it when authors attempt to make people interesting by giving them some funny item of clothing and we're supposed to think that it makes them an interesting character?) attend and one of them is murdered and then the teacher has to turn detective and find out who committed the murder through their writing assignments because dun-dun-dun! One of her students is a killer! Solid premise, I guess, but the construction has yet to capture me. Cracked the Spine? I flipped to the end after two chapters to find out who the murderer is, not even thinking to myself, "Omigah! I totes knew it was that person!" because I wasn't even remotely invested in this book enough to care.
• Chasing Harry Winston by Lauren Weisberger. Well, really, because I'd read her other two and the running gimmick of having a different-coloured stiletto on her covers actually works on me. It's greeeeeen! And there's a diamond ring too! Pretty! Cracked the Spine? Finished. Not that great. Devil remains the best read.
• Everyone Worth Knowing by Lauren Weisberger. To complete my collection of stiletto covers of course! Cracked the Spine? Re-read it. Better than I remembered, but I remembered it was crap, so that's not saying much.
• Comfort Food by Kate Jacobs. There are these AWESOMY CUPCAKES on the cover, which danced a little icing jig and waved their silver sugar balls in the air like pompoms and basically forced me to buy the book. Who am I to deny hallucinatory baked goods come to life? Cracked the Spine? Finished. I didn't mind it. It was a solid read. Although, I'm a little perturbed by the May-December romance that featured. And for some weird, weird, fucked-up reason, the younger guy this older woman falls for always resembled RomanfromHomeandAway in my head. Not that I tried to picture them, you know, having sex or anything. But Roman always comes to mind when I think about this book. And I hate Roman. So weird!
• Secrets of My Hollywood Life by Jen Calonita. Whim buy. Total waste. Asinine teen book. Really, what was I on? Cracked the Spine? Finished, unfortunately for me. That's two hours of my life I'll never get back!

The Random A&R Sale Binge: There was a 3 for 2 sale on. Hence, the three titles.

• Entering Normal by Anne LeClaire. Cracked the Spine? Finished. Slightly asinine, slightly preachy, but bordering on average.
• The Goodbye Summer by Patricia Gaffney. Cracked the Spine? Read the first couple of chapters, hated the main character so fucking much. Plus, was skeeved out by the guy she likes because I think she said he had shoulder-length wispy hair or something and I kept imagining the creepy guy who takes the Glen Waverley line and gets on at Mount Waverley and he has this bald patch and then shoulder-length, wispy, pink hair that he randomly ties up and then unties over and over as he sits on the train. I also think of this guy when I picture Xeno Lovegood.
• Twilight Time by Emma Blair. Cracked the Spine? First two chapters I think and then I fell asleep. So boring. The fact that this book is not even on my shelf but still somewhere in the boxes I have yet to unpack from the move tells you all you need to know.

And then, as if that's not enough, there are books I've bought that I've never finished for whatever reason. I have no need for new books because I have too many piling up in the to-finish pile! It's INSANE!

The Unfinished Books Bought from Binges Long-Forgotten:

• Little Women by Louisa May Alcott.
• To Die For by Carol Lee.
• Fashionistas by Lynn Messina.
• Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen.
• The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring by J. R. R. Tolkien.
• Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert.
• Tess of the d'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy.

The Books I've Borrowed, Never Finished and Never Returned to Their Owners (technically, these don't count because I didn't spend money on them, but the fact remains that I can't use the excuse of "Imsoboredihavenothingtoread!" in order to excuse my excessive need to spendspendspend!):

• Nineteen Eighty-Four by George Orwell.
• Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser.

Bottom line: I need help. Urgently.