That Girl's List of Not-So-Blind-Items, feat. The Bottom of Melbourne's Barrel

1. Reality TV muppet; questionable cooking ability; spawn of a hobbit and Peter Pettigrew; seen schlepping around suburbs and eating a pie.

2. Born to fail and flail in shadows of paternal on-field prowess and comely sports-commentating; can't kick over a jam tin; seen being inordinately interested in continental rolls.

3. Wife of/mother of/mother-in-law of/jewel-theft victim; Attitude! Y'all better recognise, bitch!; BERT LIKES TO WEAR CHANEL TOO, DID YOU KNOW?; seen pushing prams, people's patience, and possibly queues.

4. Little, smarmy man-troll; unidentified source of fame because Australia obviously doesn't have talent; little; seen wearing loud Hawaiian shirts at dinner, acting smarmy, and being little.

5. Whoring fawn of hawks; formerly dread-locked; seen refusing to walk my way (can't imagine why).

6. Small-screen familiar, onstage newb (and possibly noob); nurse-turned-police officer; seen with bitchface that rivalled yours truly.

7. F-lister aka nobody; 5-second reality TV dance fame; part of the greatest musical of my life, seriously; seen buying [OMITTED], asking for [OMITTED], walking around.

8. Nightly news familiar; very brown...Brown; seen disappointing me by being real-life fail.

9. Whoring fawn no. 2 (why so infestation?); PUNCH HIM HARDER NEXT TIME, OKAY PADDY?; seen trying to be recognised for do-gooding.

10. Sister of; ex-Mrs. 'Christian Troy'; would like you to know she loves her vibrator; seen buying Grown products with a very tight face.