Back in the day when my cousin had just had cable TV installed and I used to, you know, actually spend time with her, she inadvertently introduced me to a little-known show that later became my first big obsession. Her little sisters had left the Disney Channel blaring in the background and she'd suggested I watch TV while waiting for her to finish washing the dishes (the mundane details of life are the ones I remember best, funnily enough). When I expressed disinterest in watching something called
In a Heartbeat, she tried to sell it as such: "It's really good! It's like teenaged
ER, but they're in high-school and they save lives!" I merely rolled my eyes and prepared to change the channel when suddenly, a boy popped up on-screen and I was all "
Jake!", thereby revealing my hypocrisy and utter lameness. I further proved these two points when seconds later, another boy appeared and I got excited, all "Tobias!" (No, I never actually read the books, but yes, I watched the sucky TV series.)
After realising that two
Animorphs stars were on this supposed teen medico show, I immediately settled in to watch and shockhorror, I was in love with it by the credits. Now, me being the generous recapper that I think I am, I've decided to share a random episode of this now-defunct television gem, in all its Canadian, cheestastic glory. Without further ado, I present:
Random Recap - In a Heartbeat 1x04 The Adventures of Super Val
Readers, meet Val, she of the episode name and the blondeness and the cheerleading and the overachieving and the high-school paramedic-ing (officially known as being an EMT - Emergency Medical Technician.
Apparently, this entire show is based on the fact that in some small American towns where there aren't enough paramedics working, teens can in fact train as EMTs in order for there to be a first response team. Yes, I know.) and the all-around nauseating perfection. She's the show's golden girl and while it may not be apparent here, she is also one of the oldest-looking high-schoolers I have ever seen.
Anyway, she lives with her parents and her younger sister, Brooke, who despite being all of twelve years old, also works at the town's Emergency Medical Services station with Val. Though not a prepubescent paramedic, she somehow has been given an administrative position, wherein she finds time between school, piano lessons, her friends and family to organise and file all the paperwork and practically run the entire place. Suspension of disbelief works wonders when you're (re-)watching this show (because at the time, I was TRANSFIXED and INLOVE with this series).
The story today is that Val and Brooke's father, last seen in the pilot premiere, is recovering from his heart attack and will soon be released from hospital. Their mother informs them that he is keen on getting straight back into the swing of things, to which Val is all "He caaan't, that's too mech" because they are all Canadian actors pretending to be Americans. She can't argue much longer because her pager starts beeping, reminding us all that she is not just a concerned daughter, she is a concerned TeenagedParamedic! daughter. She is multi-talented! She is Super Val! Off she flies to rescue some faux-American citizen!
This here is Hank, our squad leader. Apart from being the token, he is also a star football player and...um...other stuff. He's lumped under the label Super Squad by our antagonist, Caitie (more on her later) but I can't quite remember if he's actually as overachieving as Golden Girl Val. Oh, well. Moving on. (Hank may also be recognisable as the deceased Clay Carlin from the tame lesbo series, South of Nowhere.)
Val asks about this "unconscious adult male" they're rushing off to treat, and Hank says that somebody found him in the park and that he may be "hurt, sick or drunk". Let's hope he's drunk. Golden Girl emphatically says, "Oh maaan, I haaate theese caaalls." She's handed some gloves by Tyler, aka Jake from Animorphs, aka Iceman from the X-Men movies.
Tyler is the Golden Boy, so naturally, he is Super Val's love interest. He's also Hank's football teammate, third member of the Super Squad and the possessor of a ridiculously young face in contrast to, say, Val. He catches sight of the "new tattoo" on the inside of Val's wrist, which she explains is a checklist of things to do before her father comes home. Tyler is super excited about Daddy Val being released from hospital because he is a suck-up.
Here's Jamie (aka my first TV crush, aka Tobias from
Animorphs). Throughout this scene, he says nothing and just stares incredulously at the Super Squad because he is Disney's version of a rebel (I'm still miffed they cut out his smoking habit and tamed him pussy, not that smoking is good kids, it's very, very bad, mkay?). He is the fourth member of the actual squad, but is there against his will; he's serving his community service sentence, as a result of stealing some guitar picks, and is (as certain fans would call it) a Bleacher Junkie. This means he hangs out under the bleachers at school with other like-minded 'delinquents' (including his best friend, the aforementioned Caitie) as opposed to sweating it up on the football field like the other three, thereby lumping him with the unpopulars and misfits. High school depiction is weird (says the Australian, single-sex educated girl).
Here lies the drunk, or whatever he is. The Super Squad (no idea where Jamie is. Hopefully, he was being all rebel-y and unhelpful, refusing to leave the ambulance) note dramatically that he's not breathing, has no pulse and is "awf'lly cold". Tyler is all, 'fuck it, too late' but Super Val isn't having that. She and Hank start CPR and I'm completely annoyed by the fact that Hank supposedly intubates him in one second. I watch
ER, Disney! The 'professionals' take longer, let alone a high school footballer who, by the way, doesn't even have a laryngoscope to shine down the throat so that he can say things like "I can't see the cords" and "Dammit, he needs a crike" and "Do you want to try the boogie?". Fuck, I love
ER. Anyhow, their CPR is all for shit because the real paramedics get there and take over (apparently, there's a whole station full of teenagers willing to be EMTs, but only two actual adults trained in this profession? What the hell is wrong with this place?) They helpfully radio that's it a "Code 5: Obvious Dead" and Super Val is super mopey that her super powers weren't enough to bring the drunk back to life.
Being less-than-Golden is migraine-inducing, y'all. And...
theme! I used to think this was pretty much the best set of opening credits, evah. (Sidenote: as I was searching for that clip, YouTube was
recommending a clip about a gigantic tarantula for me. Fuck. That.) We return to Val's house, where she could be mistaken for being Brooke's mother instead of older sister. Val needs the computer; Brooke's using it to fix their mother's resumé; Val martyrs for the greater good of their family. Oh, gag me.
Val then freaks out about her cheerleading sweater, which has been accidentally shrunken in the wash by Brooke (aka Paige from
Degrassi). She's all 'how could this happen, you're a computer geek!' and Brooke replies that she just freezes up, which? Makes no sense to me. Seriously,
huh? Val now needs a new sweater before the game and she can't find her to-do list. I thought it was on her wrist, but what do I know?
To the strains of some tinkly pop, we sashay over to the Kingsport EMS station, where Jamie would rather play video games than do work. Brooke, who y'all remember as being like second-in-command for some bizarre reason (oooh, wait! I know, I know! She's sleeping with the station's director! Boy, careerwomen start young these days), confiscates his game until he finishes filling out his paperwork. Seriously, she's twelve. Just stab the bitch, Jamie! Or...you know, grab it back. Val arrives looking pissy, but Disney is only allowed to describe her as "bummed". And she is, because the team won and therefore, she's now going to have to drag her overly-old cheerleader arse to an away game, which she does not have time for! "I've got a paper due, a Spanish mid-term, a house to get ready before my dad comes home, and a sweater so tight that my arms fell asleep," she whines. But your boobs, they were okay being emphasised in that shrunken sweater? And your midriff adequately exposed? Okay, good.
Suck-up Tyler tells her she doesn't have to do everything, and then offers up the squad to be at her service, without you know, consulting with the rest of the squad. Hank and Jamie should be all 'What, bitch? Hell no!' Alas, Val declines his offer, assuring him she's got everything under control, which sure you do. Who sees a stress-induced breakdown coming? As she says this, she's trying to stretch her shrunken sweater using a door to jam it while she pulls, so of course, she ends up on her arse and canned laughter abounds. Oh, the hilarity, y'all. It's practically slapstick! Brooke interrupts to tell them there's some kid who's hurt out the front. Super Squad to the rescue!
The kid, whose name is Nick, says he fell. ROLLERBLADES!!! I wonder where mine got to, after all these years. I had a great pair in black and red and I used to blade all over the house if it was too cold or wet to go outside, leaving black skid marks on the kitchen tiles whenever I braked. Fun times, ask my mother.
Hank asks if he hit his head, all the while appearing to molest him from behind, and Nick winces that it's his knee. He then asks who the damn hell this bunch of old-looking teens are and gets the 'duh! Super Special Teenaged Paramedics obvs!' answer. They help him to his feet and apparently, Jamie's been standing there, staring disdainfully at them the whole time. At least someone's sane around here.
The Super Squad comment on Nick being free of contusions and abrasions, but Nick is more interested in finding out what the hell is up with these supposed high-schoolers being allowed to act as paramedics. You go, boyfriend! He tells Brooke she only looks 14 and Brooke corrects that she's actually 12. The insanity! Nick claims he's 12 too but instead of being all 'You're
12 and you're the administrator of our town's paramedic service, that's just WACK!', he's more '...we're the same age...and stuff...let's get married...meep!' Brooke's thinking along similar lines, overbabbling that she just files reports and papers and confidential blahs and whatsits.
Nick's trying really hard, all "Reports? Sounds
interesting!" Jamie snarks that it's the most thrilling part of their job, adding that Brooke will want a report on him now, but Nick's out of there because he's feeling much better. Back inside, Jamie and Hank agree on no paperwork because it wasn't a real call, but Brooke wants to know why Nick would've faked being hurt. Because he's got a dumb kid crush on you, dodo. Tyler mocks Nick's sucking-up, "Wow, you're 12? Me too!", which is rich, coming from Mr. Suck-Up himself. Brooke bossily sends them all off with some paperwork and then rounds on her sister, who still owes her paperwork from last week. Val hasn't had time to complete it yet though, on account of being both so damn busy and under control at the same time. Brooke: "Well, it's a little hard to ride Jamie when my own sister is behind on stuff." So.
Dirty. Disney, I am appalled! Val buckles under her bossy sister's 'tude and promises to do it ASAP, adding it to her wrist-list.
At school and we finally get to see Caitie for the first time this episode. Caitie is Disney's version of a Goth, so think of it as Goth-Not-Really. She is best friends with both Val and Jamie, and is the latter's fellow Bleacher Junkie. She pretty much hates everyone else on the squad and is automatically this show's saving grace for me on that point alone.
Caitie gets a C for the Spanish mid-term, which she's ecstatic about because she finally pulled her grade up to average, and Val gets a D, her worst grade ever. Their teacher lectures her about blowing the test and Caitie is concerned about the human formerly known as Super Val. Val says, "I just need to budget my time better" but Caitie wants her to to forgo the game and catch up on sleep instead. They're harangued by one of Val's fellow cheer clones, who hands her a new cheer to learn for the game. "The tune is Livin' La Vida Loca!" she chirps. Val reads from the paper: "Beating those bulldogs cross-eyed" and Caitie snarks, "Encouraging violence with a salsa beat, huh?" This passes for both 'wit' and 'snark' on the show. Cheer Clone bad-acts, "It's not violence, it's football!
You and me both, Caitie.
Cheer Clone reminds Val about practice, all so we can witness Val track-marking her wrist some more. Caitie again tells her to let a sub take her place at the game so she can give herself a break, but Val can't let the team down! Gosh! "Why? Because you're hooked on being Super Val?" Caitie bitches. Cheer Clone pops up again to ask if Val is still helping with the bake sale? "Just say no," says Caitie, but it's too late, Martyr Val has already said yes. She hurries off with Cheer Clone, leaving Caitie to mutter about sicknesses and whatnot.
Aren't you absolutely riveted? We're almost at the halfway mark and it's taking waaay longeeerrr than I thought it would. Le sigh. Over at the station, Nuisance Nick is hunkering in the bushes and telling his camera that the EMS is "clearly a disaster waiting to happen." "It's a scandal about to explode!" "It's a catastrophe!"
He reckons something fishy is going on and turns his camera on Caitie as she enters the station. "Here we have proof of the unsavoury type seen entering the station." This kid, like me, needs a life.
Caitie walks into the ambulance bay to find Tyler, who immediately thinks she's there to see Val, who isn't actually at the station. Our Not-Goth chica already knows this, saying she came to see him but her attention is caught by a container of medical waste that Tyler is holding. She whines that she didn't need that before breakfast. "Breakfast? It's 1 o'clock," Tyler sucky-sneers. Caitie's all 'Some people sleep in, dickwank!' but her hair is distracting me with its own dickwankiness. Caitie lets slip the 'Super Squad' term and calls them uptight, and Tyler is strangely more insulted by the tame name-calling and not by the fact that he's apparently uptight, returning to her: "Goth sloth." Oh, um...snap?
Caitie doesn't care enough to bicker with the Golden Boy, so she cuts to the chase and says she's worried about Super Val and her un-Super-ness lately. Tyler's all 'It's Daddy Val coming home and she's just stressed' but Caitie wants to know why Val didn't forgo the game and why did she blow her mid-term and why did she walk around with her shirt hanging out yesterday?! In the world of Disney, this is a tried and true sign of someone on the verge of a mental breakdown. Tyler agrees that she needs to slow down and Caitie whines that Val's not listening to her when she advises her to do so.
Tyler: "Well, what did you say?"
Caitie: "Uh...'slooow dooown'? Basic English. You know, I'm different not stupid."
Tyler: "You know what?! Take. It. Easy! I thought you were worried about Val!"
Talk about whiplash mood swing! I don't even understand that line reading! And then Caitie hangs her head like she was in the wrong about something and I don't get it anymore and Tyler is PMS-ing, okay? We'll leave it at that. Caitie wants Tyler to talk to Val, reasoning that maybe he could get through to her: "You know, perfect person to perfect person?" Stop feeding his sucky ego! He says he'll try, adding in true suck-uppy tones, "Anything for Val." Gag. Me. Caitie concedes that "since she likes you so much, she might actually listen" before heading off, leaving Tyler to sputter "Really?! Really?!? Why?!? What did she say!??!?!?!?" Caitie understandably ignores him.
Now we're at Val's, where the rest of the Super Squad are helping to clean her yard, while Val practices her new awesome salsa violence cheer. I'll spare you the dialogue.
Brooke walks by holding a huge piece of dog shit. No, really. And I like to think it's symbolic too. They still need to get their father a welcome home present, but can't schedule a day to go shopping together on account of being SO BUSY! Why do
both of you have to go get the present if time management is an issue? Why do you need a present anyway? The fact that you've remained clean, sober and hymenally intact while he wasn't home should be a present in itself. Ahem.
Val finally decides that Brooke can make the card and she can get the gift (*bows* Thank-you, thank-you). Then she runs off to get the laundry, prompting Tyler to note that Caitie was right: "Val doesn't stop." Well, if running off to get laundry when you were in the middle of a conversation is indication that you're
horrendously busy and non-stop stressed out, then FUCK YOU, DISNEY! I'M THERE EVERYDAY! Hank bitches that Tyler should stop standing around watching Super Val go crazy and actually help, seeing as he's the one who volunteered them to this round of slave labour. Tyler apologises, explaining he's been wanting a chance to talk to Val, to which Hank suggests he take the lawn for a turn and he'll let him know when Val's "open"...to talking, that is. Say it with me:
dirty! On cue, Val returns from her laundry-ing so Hank glums that "she's open". Open like a dirty, dirty whore.
Tyler bounds over like the foolish puppy he is and tells Val to take a break, which she takes as a hint that they all want some lemonade, so she offers to go make some. Golden Boy's all 'bitch ffs!' Val wishes there were 28 hours in a day, as this would help her to relax some. Jamie arrives on his motorcycle, looking very not-16-years-old. He slept in and is late, but Val doesn't mind because she realises that him even turning up is a huge favour. He blah-blahs something about doing inventory at the station the previous night so that's one less thing Val has to do. They stare at him in amazement. Why such a suck-up, Jamie? Stop taking Tyler's one definitive character trait!
Val thanks him but he insists it was fun (because he's suddenly brain-damaged, obvs) and tells them he stole some expired IV bags, which he likes to drop from the top of buildings. Only Disney could make felony sound so lame. Hank realises he's still the only one working, so he abandons post to come join the party. Val spouts the merits of Jamie again and Hank declares him a "true friend". Nooooooooo! Jamie, stop, retreat! Don't fall for the Golden Super-ness!!!
Val reckons she can get the whole yard done in one day and tells the guys they can go home because they've done so much already. She slyly adds that she doubts they could keep up with her anyhow and someone just slap her one upside the head please! Tyler falls for it, because he's a sucker as well as a suck-up.
This is a suck-up sucker being sucked in.
Time for some more wacky hilarity and slaptick-y hijinks! It's the FAST-FORWARDED MONTAGE !!!
Apparently, they work themselves so hard with raking and weeding that they all fall asleep at their next EMS shift. Nosy Nick is back snooping at the station, shoving his camera through the window to film all the sleeping not-teens. "Proof that it's a teen crash pad paid for with our tax dollars," he narrates before falling into the dumpster bin he was standing on. Bossy Brooke sees this and runs outside to berate him. She notices that his hand is bleeding and he's all 'ew, blooooooood, puke' except without the puke part. I find it interesting that they don't have a follow-up episode wherein Nick contracts tetanus or flesh-eating bacteria from cutting himself open while in the microbe-filled dumpster bin. She bossily orders him inside to fix him up just as the contrived alarm sounds, waking our not-teens to their next call, all so Nefarious Nick can stare at them heading into action.
The call turns out to be a pregnant woman giving birth on the sidewalk. Or, footpath, as I should say. Damn, these (faux-)Americanisms. She's doing the worst impression of a person in labour I have ever seen. Val kneels in front of her legs and starts Lamaze breathing for her. The woman's baby bump looks like a large sack of flour under her clothes, probably because it is. This is so unconvincing. Jamie reports that the actual paramedics are busy on another call (Seriously? One set of actual adult paramedics in this whole town?! How is that legal?!) and they want the not-teens to take the woman into hospital.
The woman starts screaming and grabbing onto Tyler's arm, which makes him scream too, because he's a little girly sucker. He squeals: "Lady! You're squeezing my arm!" Tyler needs to work on his bedside manner. The woman asks Hank if they can make it to the hospital in time, and Val, who's had her head up the woman's legs, says in panic, "Hank! The baby's CROWNING!" Jamie starts spazzing out right there and that woman must be feeling so assured right about now. See, this is why you don't let teens become paramedics.
Hank tells her that they'll have to deliver the baby right now and she screams - from sheer horror or from a contraction, it's hard to tell. Tyler is still squealing every time she squeezes his arm, lapsing into this kind of funny Lamaze breathing of his own.
Back at the station, Nitwit Nick is still filming the interior of the station, noting that there is "no chaperone" (and only then do I notice Alex's absence in this episode). Brooke comes back from whatever the hell she was doing (the station's director, I presume. Oh, Alex, really?) and asks what he's up to. He whirls around knocking his Backpack of Contrivance, which of course spills forth notes and footage of his exposé on the not-teens, now entitled: "Time bomb for tragedy." Kid's got a ways to go, obviously. He says that he's aiming to be the youngest reporter on 20/20, to which Brooke rolls her eyes, so he reluctantly admits that it's a school assignment. Brooke tells him there's no scandal to be found here at the station (except, of course, her ladder-climbing rooting of the station director). Nick: "Hello? Where are the adults? Everyone knows you can't trust kids." Amen, boyfriend. Brooke tells him that he is "sooo, waaay, wrooong" and that he'd better get his facts right if he wants to write about the squad. Well that settles it, doesn't it?
Brooke PSAs that kids all over the country have been doing this for 30 years as we pan back to the sidewalk birth. Jamie is such a failure of an EMT. Val announces that the head is out and uses one of those turkey baster syringes to suction the goop from the baby's orifices. Tyler is holding her head. And still Lamaze breathing. I don't know why, because she's no longer grabbing his arm. He's just special, let's leave it at that. One more push and "she's out." What-the-fuck-ever. They show the turkey baster but they don't show any instrument for cutting the umbilical cord? Need I say the baby looks waaay too big to be a newborn? And, freakily, there's still a crowd of bystanders just staring at this woman's vage like she's an exhibitionist street performer.
Brooke's PSA is still droning on and on about the greatness of not-teens like her sister and Hank and maybe Tyler and not so much Jamie, and how many people are alive today because of them. You know Brooke's gonna claim she was delivered by not-teen EMTs next. No-sense Nick is now completely brainwashed, all pro-teen EMTs. Nooooo! I used to know you, man! As the woman and her baby are carted off into an ambulance, Tyler happily exclaims that he just saw life! Amazing! Life! Val agrees but it's her penultimate scene and you know that breakdown I predicted? She starts sobbing: "I'm fine, except I don't know why I'm crying!" Oh hai there, menopause! Then, she becomes upset over her overemotional response and storms away, but Tyler assures her that it's all okay and that she just needs to cut herself some slack. How many times has this been suggested to her this entire ep? So. Tedious. Tyler reveals that he and Caitie were bitching about her behind her back.
Val: "You talked to Caitie about me?"
Tyler: "We were trying to help."
Val: "Well, don't! I'm the one who helps! And shows up! And comes through!"
Girl has a superiority complex of some sort, obviously. Tyler asks if she plans on saving her dad and saving the team and saving the world too? What about the cheerleader? What about SAVING THE CHEERLEADER?! Everyone knows you can't save the world unless you save the cheerleader, gosh!
Tyler says something nonsensical about not wanting to lose her to the brick wall she's going to hit. Val harks back to the maybe-drunk in the park at the beginning of the ep, hypothesising that it could have been her dad. She reveals that she often gets flashbacks about the heart attack and starts to blubber again. PTSD! PTSD!
Why didn't Disney address her PTSD?!
Tyler proves his shitty bedside manner some more with contrite lines and forced sympathy.
Then he reverts back to being a suck-up, which he does a lot better. "I was scared too," he grins inappropriately. Like, ZOMG! We have so much in common! Let's get married! He wants her to know that day or night, whatever happens, through rain, hail or shine, he? Will be there. Always. And forever. And ever. And ever ever. And ever infinity. And inifinity squared. And times a hundred billion. Because he? Is a suck-up. Val smiles and cries and laughs and cries and makes faces and thanks him for cheering her up.
Finally, back at the station again and Val has seen the Error Of Her Ways. She's trying to wash the list off her wrist to no avail. Did she use permanent marker? Even that eventually comes off with enough scrubbing. Oh, who knows and who cares at this point. Tyler offers up some goop that can supposedly un-green a frog. If that frog wanted to be the MJ of frogs, that is.
Val says that she's not going to be cheering at the game. You might want to tell Caitie, as she was the one who kept pushing that at you. Tyler proclaims her wrist MJ-ed! Just as they settle in for a round of D&M mugging at each other, they're interrupted by Brooke and her new boytoy, Noob Nick (what will the station director say, Brooke? You hoor!). He's given up on uncovering a scandal at the station, as he's now been brainwashed to believe that there isn't one. Instead, he's going to release a mouse into the school cafeteria and then 'expose' the dirty school lunch scandal. What a tool. Val snorts in laughter and we're out!
- The summer of 06/07 started innocently enough:
- It started with naked lesbians. Mmm, I love me some photoshopped-Helena-head.
- Also, I love me some Shane. This is Shane, in case you, for some incredibly weird reason, don't know. Played by the enigmatic, alluring, incredibly attractive Kate Moennig:
- So. Damn. Hot.
- She makes me want to wear aviators and fedoras, okay? She makes skinny, androgynous, white girl look sexy. She made Justin Bieber happen!
- She made me start watching dumb, pretty people and their dumb, pretty problems. All. Eight. Episodes. Oh, the beauty...oh, the brainlessness...
- Which, in turn, led me to the prettiest of them all. There is so much *guh* with these two. No words can describe what these young, beautiful, sexually-ambiguous side story characters did for me and more than half the fandom.
- Half-nakedness helps too. Ian and Kate, I tip my fedora to you.
- But mostly, I tip it to Kate. Thanks to summer 2007, for allowing her to pop up on my radar and spurn my ongoing admiration.
