List of Things I May Never Get To Do. Ever.

1. Work at the AO in some capacity. Any capacity that allows me to have access to players. Preferably as umpire, so I can deduct points from people I hate. Or driver, even though I'm pretty sure I'd get them lost in my own city. Meh, I'm not too proud to be players' dining room server. I WILL SERVE THEM FOOD, DAMNIT.

2. Become a world-famous tennis player. Those dreams shattered in Year 8 PE.

3. Find a piano teacher who is willing to teach my Grade 1 arse so that I can play something other than elementary crap. They all hated me when I was younger - I've only become much worse since.

4. Know how to cook several dishes at the drop of a (chef's) hat. Without recipes. Or, be able to invent recipes at a moment's notice and not kill everyone at the table.

5. Invent a gadget that is amazingly useful and instantly popular - market, mass-produce, millionaire!

6. Wake up to find that 9 years of French study has suddenly returned to my noggin, ready to use. Also, discover that 0 years of Spanish study is not a problem - yo hablo español tan fluido como locales. Es como magia!

7. Write a novel/screenplay. I'll settle for writing a novel that becomes a screenplay. The get-rich-and-famous part is implied.

8. Be discovered as the next Broadway star while singing a Wicked number to myself on the streets (the dancing is negligible, obviously). That, or become homeless and become a theatre squatter - povo, Oz-style!

9. Live in a hotel. More Eloise than Oliver Trask though. And preferably, I'd own the shit out of that building too.

10. Meet Kate Moennig. The become-her-best-friend-and-confidante-and-shopping-partner part is implied.

'Hello, hello; I take you on a trip...'

I dreamed a dream that Rafa died,
On RLA where he was playing,
I dreamed that I sat down and cried,
For my tickets now a-wasting

Though he was young and living well,
That heart attack meant life had ended,
I watched on YouTube as he fell,
Not knees this time to be mended

My AO dreams came apart,
Mes billets are torn asunder,
Then the GOAT he called me up,
And hired me to take his ba.....bies....

And so I turned up to MP,
With twins in hand and guest pass holder,
But still the courts they seemed to be,
Somehow haunted and much colder

I had a dream my January,
Was a complete and total nightmare,
Nadal won't play anymore,
And now I long for days before.


Another delirious drug-addled dream courtesy of my please-go-away-now illness?

At Long, Long Last Receive Your Due

My long overdue fedora is finally mine. I HAVE A FEDORA!!! I feel so Kate Moennig!!!1!!!!!1!!

Baaack...For Now

Dear Blog,

Did you miss me? I missed you. No, really, I did. Your inviting blank pages, your familiar tabs, your promises of great things to come from our pairing. Well, that was a bit of a bust, wasn't it? Let's start over. You try to hold onto my attention and I'll try not to forget you once you're out of sight. Deal? Awesome. I love you.

That Girl

Top 10 Things I Miss Right Now

10. Being at the Regent to see Wicked. And to experience its awesome score. The one that gave me swirly feelings in my stomach area when I heard it.

9. ER. Fuckin' ruin my life and end it, why don't you? Stupid executive television network demographic expiry date bullshit.

8. Internet usage allowance.

7. Priceline. I mean, Priceline co-workers. Certain Priceline co-workers. The ones who don't shit me by exisiting, who were cordial from the get-go, who were always pleasant to work with, who totally ruined me for all future co-workers.

6. Uzu. Katsu curry. "Next prease?"

5. Money. TWO monthly concession tickets?! TWO?!? WHAT THE FLIPPITY-FUCK?! Am I on drugs?

4. The tennis. My camera in Nadal's face. IN. HIS. FACE. THISCLOSE. "Touch, okay?"

3. Ray and Neela. Being together. Neela being hott. Ray being...not quite.

2. Nothing to obsess about. I feel...incomplete.

1. Wicked. Because Sydney sucks cock and doesn't deserve to host my beloved baby. And my heart is withering just thinking about how that wretched city is tainting it. BRB SHAKING AND CRYING.

No One Mourns the Wicked...Except Me

I'm obsessed. I'm crazymadpsycho. I need to livebreathedream this story. I can't even begin to explain my love for StageElphaba, let alone for BookElphaba. Oh...BookElphaba...your poor tragic creature. I loved you from the moment you uttered "horrors" and then kept repeating it to freak everyone out.

Today, I almost, almost, asked the Oz Boutique assistant how she got her job. The words were on the tip of my tongue and I was about to be outed as a dire, dire, tragique. Then, out of nowhere, common sense (I don't know whose, but thank-you nonetheless) came flying out and wonked me over the head - duh, she probably works for the Regent Theatre and is therefore not actually affiliated with the production. Then I almost, almost, asked her how I'd go about getting a job at the Regent.

Suffice to say, I made a hasty exit as the atmosphere of the place is obviously damaging to my mental capacity. Only I wound up wandering blindly up Flinders Lane with no intention of seeking autographs or photos at stage door. You know how you get someplace and you don't actually want to be there, but there are people who are watching you and so you don't leave just because you don't want them to watch you leaving approximately ten seconds after you arrive? No? That's just me? Alrighty then...

It was something very much akin to embarrassment that sealed the deal and resulted in my depature. I was actually going to follow Lucy down the street but it seemed a bit creepy, what with the people standing around to witness me stalking after her, including Madame Morrible, and she's just effin' scary. Lesson of the day: be prepared to actually want something from the actors if you're going to skulk around stage door with the pubescents.

And finally...front row seating is quite awesome in that you can see practically everything, including everything on the actors' faces, but it does have some downfalls:

• you may be distracted because you can see practically everything and then it becomes a game as to what you can see - where are their microphones? What is that on their foreheads? Is it their microphones? Why does Glinda get to wear pink underwear to match her pink dress while everyone else just has to make do with plain old black, no matter what colour their costume is?
• no one tells you that you're in prime position for dry smoke inhalation
• no one tells you that the ensemble is going to hurl bits of streamer at you
• you will not be able to see the big dragon overhead without craning your neck
• you will also not be able to see the two flying monkeys who spaz out above the A reserve seats
• you will invariably find yourself watching the conductor at work instead of what's onstage
• you will also invariably find yourself craning to peer within the wings when you catch a glimpse of actors waiting for their cue, and this will somewhat ruin it for you
• you may strain your eyes looking for Elphaba's curtain-platform during Defying Gravity. Then you will miss half the song trying to ignore the obvious stage mechanisms of the entire affair
• actors will look directly at you. Multiple times. And it is unnerving to have "Kill the Witch!" screamed at you from two metres away
• you may be seated next to two cougars who think it's alright to wonder aloud if Millsy is too young to sex up during the show. You'll then be subjected to their catcalls for him at curtain call. This last point may apply even if you're not seated front row

Of course, nothing here will deter me from trying to reach my goal number of viewings before the show closes its Melbourne season. What can I say? "I'm beautifully tragic!"

The Day Joe Got a New (and Cuter) Face

Meet Joe, born a premature bastard son to Doctors Abby Lockhart and Luka Kovac of ER, because of a shootout in the department that resulted in his mother's fall. His birth also came with the mother of all gigantic abruption clots that really needs to be seen to be believed, but that's for another day. Today is all about Joe and his cutie-pie face.

How adorable is that little mug? Picture too small to tell? Let me help:

Howzabout that?

Oh, Joe is too cute! I want to pinch those fat little cheeks! His eyebrows- they quirk! How cute is that?! His purpley pyjamas! His growing-out bowl haircut! His baby chub!

Look at that face. LOOK. AT. THAT. FACE. (Do you know what he just said there? He said "boo." Unscripted. Improv. Genius.)

My point, if it isn't yet clear, is that Joe Kovac is really, really, really cute...in this episode. That's right. ER honchos think fanatics like me won't realise that the tot playing Joe is suddenly much cuter in the season finale, but oh no! I knew it was a different Joe the moment his chubby little mug hit the screen. Why? Because Joe had spent the rest of the season looking like this:

And this:

And this:

Quite clearly the same set of twins or whatever were used for these episodes and quite clearly they were not as cute as season finale Joe. I'm not saying this child is hideous (but I might be. But I might not be.) but they simply can't just spring AdorableJoe on me one episode and then later, revert back to UsualJoe and expect me to just accept that. I can't. Where in the world did they find AdorableJoe and why couldn't he come back? See, in Abby's last episode (and the family's, subsequently), we got a glimpse of Joe sitting in the car and I was sorely disappointed to see that they'd stuck us with UsualJoe one last time, albeit "all growed up" now:

You are no AdorableJoe.

Le sigh. Oh, Joe. I miss your cuter face. ER honchos, you are despicable. This is what AdorableJoe thinks of you for NOT giving him and his face a recurring status on the series:

He even glares at the camera cutely. Sublime acting. Words fail me, AdorableJoe.

Introducing...At Long, Long Last...Kenny

Oh. Mangina. I am so excited to finally pictorialise Kenny, he whose make-up I fell in love with, one rainy Halloween night in 2002.

From the In a Heartbeat episode, A Night to Remember, our beloved antagonist Kenny in all his glory. Take note of the red around the eye area. Many a time I have wanted to paint my face up just like this and wear an outfit just like his and generally walk around screaming out lines like, "They need me! They really, really need me!" I pretty much wanted to be/know him even though Disney meant for us to hate him, being the 'bad' guy and all. Except, I'd maybe do without the falling to my/his coma part. But otherwise? He's the coolest and awesomest. And now some more Kenny for my enjoyment.